1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just google imaged poop.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
