He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
