As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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