I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
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Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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