I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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