fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
