Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
