Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
