at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
