I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
