We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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