It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
