dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
