I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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