The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!