yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
