I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
