My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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