I just cut my nipple shaving
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
