a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
