I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
