every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
