Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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