Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
