also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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