My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
