Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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