I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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