She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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