Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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