so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
