i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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