i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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