you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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