It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
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HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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