i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
