It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
