There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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