It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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