I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think my moral compass just broke
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
