From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
