i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
