apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
