Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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