wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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