Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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