I wish my penis had an off switch
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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