Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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