I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
