I just saw a hot homeless man
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
