it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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