pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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