you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
