the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
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I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?