this beer tastes like vomit already
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?