Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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