She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
