Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize