if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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